Pitcairn Islands

I'm the Leader, I'm the Leader ............

2006-10-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

In the words of the immortal song, 'I'm the Leader of the Gang, I am!'.

And I'm back!

Back from where?, I hear some of you new readers say. Well boys and girls, as some of you remember, about 3 months ago we, the Proud Fekkin Pitcairners, declared a state of war with the United States, I said at the time that we would make mistakes, and declaring war was just about the biggest.

The night after the declaration was announced I had retired to bed, with a good book and a goblet of Pay D'Oc, as is my custom, when I heard strange noises from outside my verandah, well not so much strange noises, as noises! When you live on an island with a population of less than a schoolroom, any noise is to be listened too. Anyway, whether it was the goblet of vino, or the book, very shortly I was asleep.

At some point that night, I will never know when, I was extracted by US Special Forces and have spent the last 3 months in an orange jump suite having the shit kicked out of me in some secluded prison camp.

Now I know you'll find it hard to believe, but trying to convince my interrogators that my declaration of war was not Al Queda led, was not an easy task, my Oxford accent, perfectly sculptured moustache and complete command of social etiquette, simply wasn't enough to convince them that I wasn't Bini Laden's right hand man in the Pitcairns.

Only after 88 days of solitary confinement, 44 of which where spent on my own, endless hours of relentless interrogation, questions upon questions, did they manage to satisfy themselves that I was indeed Lord St. Range of the Pitcairn Islands, Her Majesty's Special Envoy to the South Seas.

So it was a great relief to me to be set free - to once more wreak havoc upon the international political scene. The photograph above shows my triumphal arrival in Plumber's Inlet.

PITCAIRN IS IN CRISIS

2006-06-21T02:16:00.000-07:00

As Leader of this small island nation it has been my very sad duty today to declare a state of war against the mighty USA. This was not an easy decision to make, but sometimes for the greater good of all, tough decisions have to be made. I'm not sure when they'll find out about this as we are now officially not communicating with them.

Pitcairn has never been at war before and so it may be we'll make a few mistakes along the way. I think maybe choosing the USA was our first mistake.

The reason we have been forced into this situation is that the USA have slapped a trade embargo on the import of meat. This will obviously have massive repercussions on our booming tortoise trade and will probably cause us to lose the entire herd. Well we've actually lost the entire herd already if the truth was told. It wasn't my idea to realise them to roam wild, but once we did that, there wasn't much we could do to stop them stampeding off the cliffs like wild lemmings - was there?

Anyway, regardless, the USA weren't to know that were they.

If they want to play hardball - that's what we'll play.

I'm quite looking forward to the B52's bombing us out of existance, then the USA will start rebuilding the country for us, station a small armed force on the island, etc., etc. This will prove to be a massive boost to the economy of the island and should make us all millionaires.

I can just see the aerial photographs on Sky News - showing the laser bombing targets before they drop the bombs, and after they've bombed all 17 houses on the island, they'll find me holed up in some mud hole with a beard. Then put me on trial as the rebel leader. Oh, the romance of it all.

You couldn't make it up - could you?

THE NEW TORTOISE FARM

2006-06-13T03:22:00.000-07:00

By unanimous consent it was decided at last month's Full Council Meeting to start a Tortoise Farm on the Island. Ostriches has been the favourite but someone suggested they may try to escape. We are 4,000 miles from the nearest inhabited land, where they were going to escape to?

Anyway, the eventual solution has been the adoption of the Tortoise Farm plan. It is our intention to farm both for the shells, to be made into trinkets, carvings, jewellery etc., and for their meat.

This picture of the first of our farm, the idea is to breed from this one and so double the numbers ever time he breeds. A great idea, if only someone would have thought that a female might help the process along some.

Apparantly tortoi (which is the plural for tortoises) breed rampantly ever 40-50 years, before reaching their peak at around the 200 year old mark, then dying.

The other drawback is that tortoi are impossible to sex, so even if we do introduce another tortoise, it will be sixty years before we know the outcome.

We're going to have another vote this evening in the Council House - whether or not to have Baked Tortoi and Chips on Friday.

I hope I get a leg!

TEST BLOG

2006-06-05T05:01:00.000-07:00

This is just a test to see if the Pitcairn's Blog can be re-instated.

Mondrian meets Mundane

2006-05-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned we have decided that the Pitcairns needs to be made more cultural and uplifting for our citizens.

As Leader of this Island community I have brought it upon myself to create a 3 point plan to meet this ideal.

This 3 point plan will be called, ironically, The 3 Point Plan!

1) We will enter the Eurovision Song Contest of 2007, as this will be our bi-Centenary Year, I'm hoping for big efforts by all to achieve our aim and be the only country in the Eurovision who doesn't give 12 Points to either it's neighbouring country or Ireland. As we don't have any neighbouring countries and we are not Ireland, although we are AN island, we don't expect too many votes.

2) We will follow Slovenia into the European Union, we will shortly be adopting the Euro, in line with all new EU countries the word Euro is actually a very embarrasing Pitcairn Island word for the act of Bu%$ery, and no that word is not budgeting! So we won't call it the Euro - we will call it the Uro - which has no embarrasing word associations, except in Brussels where a Uro means much the same as our 'ASBO's'.

3) To stand any chance of achieving Points 1 and 2, we need to dis-associate our British connections, henceforth we will have our own, without a Union Flag on, Flag. This is illustrated in the photo above. As we have the highest crime rate in the world, unlikely ever to be topped, unless Rockall decides to become the next Alcatraz, it's stands to reason that our best artist/designers would be inmates. So we have created the perfect flag to illustrate to the Outside World what we are all about - Sun, Sea, Sky and the Highest Penetentary Population in the World!

CRISIS, WHAT CRISIS?

2006-05-18T02:22:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank all of you whom have written, emailed and telexed me with concern about our water crisis. One worried pensioner from Hoylake in Merseyside, England, even sent me a packet of boiled sweets. Fruitcake or what! Anyway the crisis is now over as it's been peeing down for just over a week now. As you can see from the photograph the water levels are back up to normal.

The green buildings in the background, before you all start asking me, the new changing rooms for the local Pitcairn Sunday Football League. I know what your about to say, you only have 34 inhabitants, how can you run a league?

Well, two years ago we applied for a lottery grant to build a small children's play area, as the field we had in mind was over 120 square metres in size, and so was offically large enough to be called a Sports field, we had to have toilets and changing rooms built, this didn't bother us because it was all to be grant aided. However, the toilets and changing rooms have taken up 80 square metres of our space, so our play area is now only 40 square metres.

The lottery people have just written to me asking for their money back, because our Sports field no longer meets their criteria.

I'm just writing back now telling them to %^$$£ off!

BTW Yes the geese are going to be eaten, no there'll be no stuffing and before you ask Iqbal, they are not halal!

St. Range's Wall

2006-05-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

With a population of 34, great changes, great works are hard to come by, but when you've lived on an island 7,000 miles from the nearest McDonalds, you come to a decision to make the most of what you've got.

I decided after my visit to Easter Island that I would make things happen on Pitcairn that would make us famous throughout the world.

We now have 60ft Sculptures of Her Majesty, Phil and some prick with a big nose!

Well now we have a six foot high wall around the main hill on the Island's - yes, St. Range's Wall, similar to Hadrian's and, slightly smaller than the one in China, which isn't really a wall per say!

St. Range's Wall is very close to completion, as you can see in the photo, there is but a small amount to finish.

I'm about to start on a collection for 12ft high pottery soldiers - I think a couple of thou should do it, tourism will never be the same on PI.

Goats, Planes and Automobiles

2006-05-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm really quite annoyed today, my valet Chervaise has just informed me that he has homosexual tendencies and cannot continue to carry out his duties to the standard that is expected. I was astonished that anyone named Chervaise could even spell the word homosexual, never mind bugger his life up by being gay!

You must understand, I'm not homophobic, by any stretch of the imagination, but, I draw the line at Dyslecia, I mean dyzelia, sod it I mean dysleicia, f%^&ing hell, the inability of one's mind to distinguish words.

The problem we peple who can;t spell properly is that their chodiness cums out in other phorms, they fail to ty there shu laces properly, they blo there noses on there sleefs. I thinc u get the picter!

Anyway, back to Chervaise, he's buggered off to Plumbers Inlet - to get his act together, this leaves me with an awful problem. As my valet, he was also the Goat Commander, rather like Her Majesty's - Keeper of the Swans, Chervaise had full control of the only three mammals on Pitcairn - as pictured. The three Angolan, I ordered Andorra, but some clever tw%t couldn't spell, goats are, as you can see - living the high life, that is, hopping from one rock to another, a bit like Whitney Houston, but I digress.

The Angolan goats pictured are named after famous Angolan Events, so here we have Mercenary, Courts and Gaol, of course, if they had been born later they would have been called Mercenary, Released and What the fuc^ happened to the English Mercenaries in Angola!

Oh well, back to my crochet.

PS as an adolecence in Pitcairn my ambition was to be a Mercenary, instead I became a Diplomat - You see, you can bring a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE!

2006-04-28T02:20:00.000-07:00

I have decided to write a book to keep me entertained, it can get very lonely living on such a remote outpost. My book shall be called either Notes from a Small Island or, and this is my favourite, Treasure Island. Sue me if you feel plagerised!

I am currently developing the plot and characters, I'm of a mind to base it around a love story, where a brother and sister are separated as youngsters, the both grow up to adulthood without knowing of each others existance, he becomes a Drug Dealing Crimelord who knows no fear, his sister becomes a Missionary who leads a gang of starving children out of Communist China to freedom. There paths cross again when the Crimelord goes in search of new cocaine growers in the wilds of China. They meet, fall in love, discard the children as a hindrance, and only realise they are related when a matching tatoo is revealed on each of there necks. He shoots her dead to hide there incestous relationship. He lives happily ever after.

Oh bugger, I've told the entire story there!

Some more news just in, we have finally been given the go ahead by Her Majesty's government to form a new infantry battalion. This will leave us in a good position to defend our shores. The battalion will be named the St. Range Comancheros, that's the good think about being me, you can let your imagination run wild.

I mean how many of you, my dear readers, have named themselves Lord, named and formed an infantry battalion, wrote a novel called Treasure Island, been shipwrecked and then rescued, built 60ft high Plasticine models of Her Majesty and Philip? Not many, I'll bet.

Anyway, not content with forming and naming the Comancheros, I've decided on the battle dress as well. The everyday uniform (there must be a special word for this, ah yes I'll make one up, it will be 'common dress'), The common dress will be camo pants and jacket, with a green Australian/Cowboy style bush hat, with a small black plumed feather.

The 'best dress' for ceremonial occasions will be the green combats and jacket with a black peaked cap with gold badge on.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the leading photo and headline, we're running out of fresh water on the Island, we've only got enough to last to Sunday.

The good news is I've got 200 bottles of Pays d'oc in the cellar, so my ramblings may become more rambling!

PLASTICINE IS WATERPROOF TOO!

2006-04-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, indeed it is true, not only have we got Easter Island beat on the grounds that our heads will be in colour, we have also found out that Plasticine is waterproof!

Not for us rain soaked rocky sculptures.

As you can see, in time for her birthday celebrations, Her Majesty Liz2's head is now in place. What more fitting tribute than to be looking out for eternity over Plumbers Inlet.

I am of a mind to carve a little seat on her majestic bossoms for me to sit upon and gaze out to sea!

ART FOR ARTS SAKE?

2006-04-18T07:28:00.000-07:00

Where to begin? I said I was going to bring more art to the Pitcairn's, so here it is: The Pitcairn's answer to Easter Island's up until now stronghold on the 'massive carved heads on islands' thing.

In a multi million pound (weight) sponsorship deal with Plasticine, the Pitcairns will take delivery of 40 tonnes of the stuff this week, followed by two more loads next week.

The models on the left are a tribute to Her Majesty for the celebration of her 80th Birthday. The first picture is obviously Prince Philip and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. Using the donated Plasticine we are to construct 60 foot statues of Her Majesty and Prince Philip's busts.
Similar to those heads found on Easter Island, but ours will be far superior, in that ours will be in full colour.

I think you'll find that's a bit of a brainwave on my part.

The second picture is supposed to be that of our future King, Prince Charles, but even my twisted imagination cannot see the resemblance. Camilla possibly, Charles nope!

That's what happens when you sub contract the design stage of any undertaking.

If you recognise who the second photograph maybe a likeness of, please let them now there'll be a sixty foot version some time soon on the Pitcairns.

BTW You've got to admit we've got Easter Islands beaten hands down.

Pitcairn's Portrait Gallery gets Modrian

2006-04-07T02:53:00.000-07:00

Hi to all my loyal subjects, it is with great pride and jubilation that I announce to you all that I have on your behalf bought from the John Paul Getty Collection a Modrian to hang in our gallery!

Rejoice around the Islands for this is truly a great day. I purchased via a intermediary named E Bay for the princely sum of PI£125,000 (delivered in a cardboard tube!).

The piece if called Composition B in r(Ed), it will hang along side the two Beryl Cook pieces.

My good man Owen CBE has taken it upon himself, with my full admiration, to obtain for the gallery a commissioned work of the venerated, but slightly mad, Tracy Eminem, famous for such work as My Name is Stan, Slim Shady and Toy Soldiers.

Z----U----L----U

2006-03-22T01:40:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to all the Islanders, what a resounding success Monday night's performance of Zulu was. Mrs. Christian's contribution of full dragoon uniform for the three of us British Officers was most encouraging. The five 'volunteers' for the role of the drunken missionary was a little overwhelming and it's a shame that they out numbered the Zulu's, but hey let's not get concerned with minor details.

If anyone has seen or heard of the two Wong lads who've since gone 'native', please let me know, we can't have them leaping round the island with their bits flopping everywhere, chanting 'Zulu'. Can we?

As to next week's production - Well I'm the bossman and I am pressing ahead with a selection from the Sopranos, I'm going to be Tony, and I've a couple of Blog Buddies who are going to play Big Pussy (Blakan Baby) and the Priest (Owen). Mrs. Christian is insisting on playing Carmella. We're goining to the the scene were Tony Soprano has to get to grips with Big Pussy! I can't wait.

If anyone has any automatic handguns, ideally .45's, please let me know. We could also do with someone who's able to do a passing Russian accent for the bad guy, and a couple of Pole Dancers, although I just may have someone lined up.

MRS. CHRISTIAN - THE OLDEST PITCAIRN ISLANDER

2006-03-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

As you can see the old bugger's still going strong. 93 Year Old Mrs. Christian, great - grand daughter of Fletcher, daughter of Monica and Steve Christian, who has never left the Pitcairns. It has been said that she can find herself around the Pitcairns blindfolded and in the dark.

Imagine meeting her in the dark. You'd have a stroke wouldn't you!

You'll notice on Mrs. Christian's lapels the two badges she proudly wears to all official functions. On the left is the red Pitcairn Guide Leader badge, although we only have six people on the island who are eligible for the Guides, and none of them have the slightest interest in joining her pack. She still insists on running up the flag every Tuesday evening and holding a pack meeting at the Council Offices. It was only two years ago she gave up holding the annual camp at Plumbers Inlet. It didn't help when them two nancy's over there tried to join up.

The badge on her right lapel is the Pitcairn Death List Leader badge, this is given to the person most likely to top the Death List Lottery, as mentioned on previous blogs. At 93 - how long can she hang out. The plastic top in the photo is part of the oxygen tent that surrounds Mrs. Christian where-ever she goes.

BACK HOME - CELEBRATIONS

2006-03-13T02:10:00.000-08:00

It has been the most wonderful of days, as you can see the whole Island turned out to celebrate my homecoming. Here are some of them pictured in the Church of Christians, some of the more observant of you will notice the recent installation of electric tube lights. What joy it will be when we finally get electric on the island and we can switch them on.

As part of my homecoming and new Lordship celebrations I am to offer an amnesty to all those who have committed crime in the Islands recent history. Amongst those that I am to offer this to include God, Eskimo Ed and those two guys who bat for the other side at Plumbers Inlet. I'm am also of a mind to reward the crew members of SS Neatabush who so valiantly rescued me and my compadres, with the Order of the Pitcairns, this will enable to have tax exemptions within the Islands and also to be able to drive their sheep down the High Street. Reward enough I would have thought.

Talbot Compact Horizon

Lord St. Range

REJOICE THROUGHOUT THE LAND - WE ARE SAVED!

2006-03-10T02:49:00.000-08:00

Let the bells ring out for we are saved. With great forethought the ship SS Neatabush that delivers the Pitcairn Post heard of the sad loss of the SS Golden Shower, and decided to make a detour on it's way to the Pitcairns via some of the outlying islands.

Our party of scouts spotted the Neatabush on the horizon and luckily for us all were able to ignite the first of our McBurek takeaways as a beacon.

The smoke from the greasy bureks not only attracted the attentions of the Neatabush, but apparantly can be seen alongside the Great Wall of China from the International Spacestation.

In less than 2 days I will be back with my people - The Christians.

On opening my mail, sipping a Campari and Lemonade on the quarter deck, I have discovered exciting news. I am to be the new Lord St. Range of Pitcairn. This will enable me to be a great ambassador for the Pitcairns and The Christians.

I have also heard from my solicitor that there is another group of fakers pretending to be The Christians, apparently a group of shaven headed heathens from a village called Merseyside in England, have been singing and dancing, can you believe it, ON TELEVISION!

Okay it was in the 1980s and early 90s, but Jesus Christ, who do they think they are?

I've also got God's email address, I'm going to give him one more chance.

THE BIRTH OF A NATION - JEBIGA

2006-03-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

Any of my loyal subjects and readers will be shocked by the use of profanity in my blog title. I apologise but after International Red Cross intervention the council of Christians and Wongs have reached a decision that I'm sure will cause consternation throughout the free world. The Islands henceforth will be known as St. Range Land! I am overwhelmed, oversexed and ..... yada, yada.

St. Range Land has to be the highest accolade a man can have, for a country, neigh, an entire island system to be named after oneself.

In line with the islands new policy on ethnic integration, and because the Wongs pronounce words slightly different to us normal people. The islands will be called St. Range Islands, but pronounced Saint Ranji Islands - cool or what.

Talbot Horizon Compact

St. Range, High Commissioner
from St. Range Islands

PS The Pitcairns will be so pissed when they find out - I mean what was the Pitcairns ever named after?

A knighthood will be offered to anyone who answers that question correctly.

INTERNATIONAL RED CROSS BUGGER IT ALL UP

2006-03-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure I can take much more, there is only so much a mere mortal can take. I have just received communication via the internet via my woofta connection that the International Red Cross have objected to the inhabitants of this here island naming our land the Slash Out Islands!

I mainly angry not with the Red Cross but with myself. When I wrote the blog last night about naming the Island the Slash Out Island, I was convinced in my semi-pissed state that the initials were SOS. Hence today's blog was to be about the IRC objecting to the name on the grounds that the initials clashed with the internationally recognised distress signal.

Now I'm more sober I realise the initials are indeed SOI. Jebiga!

I am the owner of both Slash Out and this blog so I will continue as if the initials were SOS!

Hence we both need a new name for the island and I have not gratuitously used a stock photograph.

The Island's New Name - Slash Out

2006-03-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

At an historic meeting of the Island's council it was by a 25 - 11 victory that the island's have been named - Slash Out. This is so bloody annoying on so many bloody levels!

Firstly after 5 recounts it was established we have 36 inhabitants and not 35! We ended up counting the legs of all the members present, adding this to the number of eyes and dividing by six, this gave us a figure of 35.6! So we rounded this up to 36, apparently two dogs and and two goldfish buggered this method up good and proper, but we had to make a decision.

Secondly, the secretary of the meeting is a dyslexic who thinks god is a dog, he's also agnostic so he doesn't believe there's a dog!

Thirdly, the Anonymous person who thinks that I gratuitously write blogs to fit in with my existing photographs has got to be having a laugh!

Oh Well.

All the best from Slash Out Islands.

St. Range

PS My youngest son has now appeared on the local version of Crime Watch and is sueing me for defamation of character!

Who gives a shi% - I'm a millionaire!

Pikey Spotted at McBurek's

2006-03-06T15:44:00.000-08:00

Jebiga! Just take at look at this little bugger. His image was caught on the CCTV at McBurek's downtown.

At the same time two pebble's were taken from the pile of pebbles.

It's highly likely he is the local crimelord of these here un-named islands.

He looks a wong 'un make no mistake.

Keep a look out!

St. Range

PS It's just been pointed out to me that McBurek's downtown is grammatically incorrect as we have no town, only this island, so it really should have read McBurek's down-island.

PPS It's also just been pointed out that the picture is in fact my youngest son, and wasn't taken from the CCTV camera's at all. Next time I'll put my spec's on.

PPPPS Some smart Alec has just pointed out that all my blogs make gratiotous (spelling!) use of photographs that I have already and that I just make a blog around them. What a pile of steaming bollo^&s that is!

McBurek Franchise Takes Off

2006-03-06T15:24:00.000-08:00

After only a few days of trading we have managed to open our 2nd McBurek's on the Island. The Council can't seem to understand that with only 35 inhabitants we have successfully halved the clientele per branch and the workforce!

I can only foresee bankruptcy ahead.

However, that said if we can increase the inhabitants of the island - then I see no reason why we can't make a go of the whole McBurek cocncept. One of my junior members of staff, a likeable lad by the name of Wong has suggested we now do deep fried battered Bureks. Pure Genius, he's been promoted to Team Leader and we've sold two already.

Well when I say sold, perhaps thats an extortion of the truth. The problem is we have a fledgling economy here and the only coinage we have are pebbles from the beach. This has certainly cut our banking costs to a minimum, but it also means that we have 35 millionaires on the island, 35 multi-millionaires to be exact.

It gets worse. Because the nuveau rich are, shall we say greedy, the have filled their pockets with their wealth, so now we have 35 overstuffed persons with pant pockets the size of bin bags, they can no longer walk to McBureks, we have no staff available to serve the non customers.

I think maybe the boom economy has just gone bang!

Talbot Compact Horizon

PS I am applying to the World Bank for a grant to pay for a new Harbour, if the Pitcairns can have one so can we.

PPS Just heard from the World Bank, apparently we can't apply for grants, because we are as yet an un-named island and they haven't heard of us! Can you belive that pile of bollo%^%$s!

McBurek's - The New Burger King

2006-03-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
or as my new mates would say Jebiga!

We have finally circum-navigated the entire island that we are shipwrecked on and determined that we are the only inhabitants.

Jebiga!
'We are now a collection of approximately 35 persons, half of us are Christians, the other half are Wong, I don't mean their incorrect, I mean they are called Wong', as I previously mentioned are new island is entirely populated by 35 persons!

We have held a council of minds and it has been established that our first thoughts should go toward making a thriving economy on the island, that way we will make sufficient money to finance other activities, such as housing and food.

It has further been determined that a fast food outlet is probably one of the quickest methods of making and fast buck, and so welcome one and all to - McBurek's - The New Burger King.

As you can see by the picture the first branch hasn't got drive in facilities - not yet.

The way the council see it once we have established a profit, cars can be purchased, roads built, petrol stations built, and then a drive in.

We reckon that we'll all be millionaires by this time next year. Luvley Jubley!

Having established the building, the name and the location - we are now left with tricky task of selecting a menu. Given that our new establishment is called McBurek's - we have decided to serve that Balkan delight, much like the Scottish delight Haggis, of Burek.

Our next big decision, after pricing the menu, is the naming of our new island. Suggested names so far are New England, New York, New Found Land (?), Jebiga, Stamford Bridge and my own personal favourite - Knotts Landing! I'll let you know.

ESKIMO ED SEEKS RECONCILIATION

2006-02-16T07:10:00.000-08:00

As we watch SS Golden Shower makes it's last journey, to the bottom of the Pacific, the old adage 'every cloud has a silver lining' comes to mind. At least we won't have to spend another 3 months couped up like animals!

I have to today received communication from that seal skinned chinook Eskimo Ed, apparently he wants to attempt reconciliation.

Well i'm here to tell you Mr. Ed., it will be a cold day in Plumbers Inlet before the Pitcairn Islanders forgive the wrong doings that you've done.

But as every day is a cold day in Plumbers Inlet, in fact every day is a cold day in the whole goddam islands, we are prepared to forgive, we will also forget, but for obvious reasons, that's going to take a bit longer.

MISFORTUNE UPON MISFORTUNE

2006-02-16T06:10:00.000-08:00

My newly acquired portfolio case is no longer newly acquired, it is now newly departed, along with it's contents, which if you remember were the two Eskimo Ed cartoons - similar to the much hated muslim cartoons, and the the really vile and offensive peanut cartoons from America, no-one rioted in the streets when they were published, and they published them throughout the world for years.

However, the reason that the newly acquired portfolio is now newly departed is as follows, i left it on board SS Golden Shower when I was rescued by the two seaman named Wong. The goods news that eminates from my loss is that it enable me to have a hand free to carry my laptop.

See God has not fallen out with me after all, he may be one angry mo.fo., but he's not one one to carry a grudge.

Must dash, we're all builidng a shelter.

St. Range

WE GOT THE MESSAGE - LOUD & CLEAR

2006-02-16T02:08:00.000-08:00

My intial reaction was to panic, for it's not everyday you hit something in the mist while steaming through the southern Pacific on a vessel named Golden Shower.

On steadying my thoughts, I realised that to panic was certain death, I therefore took the only cause of action open to me - i feigned injury and was promptly helped ashore by the helping hands of two able seamen.

I am rescued!

We are now a collection of approximately 35 persons, half of us are Christians, the other half are Wong, I don't mean their incorrect, I mean they are called Wong.

We have formed ourselves into three groups the Wong's, the Christian's and an ensemble of the two and we are currently searching the island for any signs of life.

The island appears to be roughly the same size as PI but more flat, with less mountainous areas.

Must go, fires to light, etc, etc.

Yours

St. Range

I THINK GOD'S ANGRY WITH ME - IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY ROUND

2006-02-16T01:56:00.000-08:00

Greetings Islanders from the vessel that is named Golden Shower, we are steaming through dense fog at the moment in the southern Pacific.

Look at this Guy, every time you see him he's got a face like a slapped arse. I mean what's he got to be mad at - he rules the earth and owns it as well. Anyway God - just for a change I'm angry at you big man. You'd don't reply to my letters, you don't have an email address, well this is your last chance. Unless you stop the fraudelant christians from calling themselves christians, when we are the only Christians entitle to use the name legally, without further warning we will take further legal steps.

Fekkin Hell, I'll have to go we appear to have hit something!

JACKIE PALLO HAS DIED

2006-02-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

Islanders, it is with a genuine tear in my eye, I have the grave duty to announce to you, that the great, the one and only, Jackie Pallo has died. I wish his wife Trixie and son, the most deepest sympathies from one island nation to another.

His was a gift like no other.

I will leave the BBC to describe the event:

Pallo appeared on This Is Your Life in 1973
Wrestler Jackie Pallo, one of wrestling's biggest stars in the 1960s, has died at the age of 80. Pallo, who fought before the Big Daddy/Giant Haystacks era, died at his home in Ramsgate, Kent, on Saturday after battling with cancer.

The pony-tailed wrestler, whose nemesis in the ring was Irishman Mick McManus, was known by his fans as Mr TV.

Former commentator Reg Gutteridge - Pallo's cousin - described him as "a great performer and a lovely guy".

Pallo appeared on This Is Your Life in 1973, attracting many celebrities of the day.

Guest appearances in TV shows included Are You Being Served? and The Avengers, during which he was famously knocked out by actress Honor Blackman during a fight scene.

Describing his father's battle with cancer, son Jackie junior, who fought tag-team matches with Pallo, said he had been "a bombastic character right to the end".

Pallo is survived by wife Trixie who became known to the nation for watching her husband at ringside.

RIP Jackie you provided years of harmless entertainment to millions of us youngsters.

Unfortunately, as a Pitcairn Island I was 37 years old before I watched my first fight of his on an old VHS Ferguson video star recorder, the fight had been recorded in 1970, I watched it in a smoked filled council office at approx 3am, when the supply ship docked, with 26 other islanders, I can name them all - Christian!

Jackie was wresting a overweight, but utterly georgous Kendo Nagaski, a masked Englishman, pretending to be Japanese. They must have lost a litre of sweat each.

The film was shown every month for at least a year, to a packed and half cut council office.

In reverence to Jackie, Trixie and Jackie Junior, I will be recommending to the full council on my return, that May 17th (the day we watched the video) will henceforth become a public holiday on PI. If we chose February 15th, this would clash with every other nation who decided to honour Jackie's death.

Talbot Horizon Coupe

I. M St. Range

PS some clever fekker has informed me that the composite verb in latin es tu coupe, refers to smaller, as in a smaller island, and in fact the adverb compact should be used, as in compact islands. So henceforth the PI's motto will be Talbot Horizon Compact.

VAUXHALL VIVA

2006-02-15T07:36:00.000-08:00

Tragic news for all of you who love these islands like I do. As you all know our Island's Motto: Vauxhall Viva, which we have always believed to be latin for Young Blood Rise Up!,

Well it seems that we have been mislead for all these years, I was recently informed by a Mrs. Anita Bush of the Vauxhall's Owners Club of Great Britain, that the Vauxhall Viva was a mid range saloon of the 1970s and 80s in Britain.

I can only assume the neat embossed metallic wording we have surmounted under the flag in the Council Offices is a nameplate from said motor vehicle.

I asked Mrs. Bush if she could think of any other latin enscriptions we could use, and after lengthy debate, during which we discussed Hillman Hunter (to the Victor the Spoils) and Sunbeam Rapier (young flower deflowerer), we finally settled on, and I'm pleased to announce that our new Island Motto is:

Talbot Horizon Coupe- which literally translates as the Sun always Shines on small islands

Quite fitting I thought.

Talbot Horizon Coupe

Ian St. Range

ANOTHER PITCAIRN FIRST

2006-02-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

As I sit here bathing in the luxury that is SS Golden Shower, I realise that in my haste to leave PI, i forgot to update you all on the lastest in Pitcairn 1st's.

The new Road Map of the Islands (see above) is at the printers, we decided to go for a full colour print run of 1,000, some might say that's a bit optimistic for an island of only 38, but I think we should look forward.

By my calculations, with an average number of visitors of 40 per year, assuming one in two buy a map, that's 20 per year sold. This print run should last 50 years.

Just a few points to mention, although this print run will only last 50 years, we will then have to have a new print run, which will be handy because by then we will have added another road.

Also it would be in everyone's interest to help sell the maps, if we allowed visitors to bring their cars onto the islands. To allow this we would have to build a new harbour terminal, current cost of around PI£4.5 million.

Because we will only sell 20 maps per year and the print run is costing PI£860, we will have to charge PI£42 to make a profit.

I have just emailed the printers to ask them to put the print run on hold until we have built the new harbour terminal.

Have just this minute found out we can get a full World Bank grant for the PI£4.5 million needed for harbour terminal, this will enable us to go ahead with print order for PI£860, after we have sold all the maps over a 50 year period we will have made PI£41,140, minus the interest over 50 years on PI£860 (which will be around PI£22,000) giving us a profit of PI£19,140, less commission paid to shop of PI£10,000, which means we are going to make a grand total of PI£9,140, divided by 50 years = PI£182 per year, divided by the 38 inhabitants = PI£4.81.

I think that's a result.

DRIVING ON THE LEFT

2006-02-15T03:57:00.000-08:00

Please note the Council has decreed that henceforth all motor vehicles, commercial lorries, motorbikes, sidecars, bicycles, etc. etc. must drive on the LEFT, this will bring us into line with Great Britain and Australasia.

All vehicles of any nature, excepting motorbikes, sidecars, bicycles, must be adapted for left handed driving.

It is NOT acceptable to simply sit on left passenger seat and just lean over and pretend to be on the right.

Please note grants are available for adaptions of this purpose. As we currently have the highest proportion of traffic lights per head of population, ie 1 set to 38 people. We are applying for a grant to cover the cost of moving the lights.

Finally, if the three of you that actually have a vehicle of any sort on the PI's will attend an advance motoring course in the Council Offices on monday next at 10am.

The course, will contain a multiple choice range of questions, then a practical covering starting, moving and stopping. No longer will ramming it into a hedgerow be acceptable.

Vauxhall Viva

Ian St. Range

PITCAIRN INTRODUCE DEATHLIST

2006-02-15T03:36:00.000-08:00

Many of you have asked the Council the question, 'Why can't we have a lottery like everyone else?'.

Well, the answer is 'because we are not like everyone else!'

But, I am pleased to announce the start of the new Pitcairn Island Lottery to be named Pitcairn Deathlist.

On the right you will see my drawings of all the inhabitants of PI over the last ten years. To take part in the Deathlist all you need to do is choose a face, pay your PI£1 at the shop or council office. When all the faces have been chosen I will announce who the faces belong to and the person who chooses someone who's dead will win a share of the money.

Please note anyone attempting to cheat, or actually found trying to 'off' someone will be dealt with severly, and may be excluded from the lottery.

Please also note that I have put in one face of someone who isn't from the Island - we will call this one Eskimo Ed - anyone who chooses that one will weekend away with the woofters.

I currently residing on SS Golden Shower and coming to you through the power of a woofta connection. Haven't a clue what that is.

THE SHIP'S EARLY

2006-02-15T03:27:00.000-08:00

Great news, the S.S. Golden Shower has arrived a whole 3 months early, that's never happened before. I've got to dash, packing to do, some naughty lads to round up and take to prison in New Zealand, 8 in all, that means about 25% of Pitcairn Islanders are now classed as career criminals.

I've just got to nip to the shop and see if they have any of those large flat carrier cases used for artworks, I bet they only have a small selection to choose from, Sheila the owner will say the usual thing 'there's no demand for them, i only have 50 customers!'.

Anyway, must dash I've got to catch the Golden Shower!

Ian St. Range

GOD'S NOT TALKING

2006-02-15T02:53:00.000-08:00

As you all will by now know, God's hasn't answered any of the last 3 letters that I sent him on your behalf. If any of know God's email address, please pass it on to me. I think we will now have to put this matter in the hands of our solicitor.

To our many readers, I will just outline the events so far. As most of the islanders have descended from Fletcher Christian, of Mutiny on the Bounty fame, most of us are called Christian. We are deeply dissapointed that some religious nutters in this world continue, despite numerous legal moves on our part, to call themselves christians, what fekkin right do they have.

Can you imagine the outrage from Ronald McDonald if we called ourselves McDonald! Exactly.

So in desperation we have been writing to God. Apparantly he can be a funny bugger sometimes, starving people and flooding places, and shit like that. But we thought we'd take a chance on it. But, oh no, he doesn't reply does he.

Who the fekkin hell does he think he is?

ONLY 46 INHABITANTS LEFT

2006-02-15T02:31:00.000-08:00

It is with great sadness that I have to annouce the leaving from PI of 4 more Christians, I learnt this news from someones blog, who shall remain nameless. I can only assume that it is the Christian family from Plumbers Inlet, Lancashire who have left, I have pictured there cottage here as a reminder.

On hearing that news that our numbers had fallen, I walked round the lanes of PI, all 6.6km, it seems some bloggers are ill informed, anyway back to my story, I walked round visiting all of our number and now accounted for everyone except the Plumbers Inlet Christians.

Some of you may be interested to know who still lives on PI.

There are:

34 Christians
6 Hyphen-Christians
4 Smiths
and a couple of Woofters

Vauxhall Viva

I. St. Range

We are not the same as Eskimo's

2006-02-14T05:38:00.000-08:00

Hi Dear Readers,
once again we have been offended by the Bloggers of this world, how I wish those pissed stained, fart wreaking bloggers would just go to Iceland!

I have today passed a motion at the Council for Cultural Affairs, in which it will soon be made illegal to mention our beloved Pitcairn Islands in the same paragraph as those seal skinned cold people - the Eskimo's.

Long Live the Pitcairns

Vive La France

Vauxhaull Viva

Yours slightly pissed

Ian St. Range, Vice Council for Lancashire

PS one of these damned blogs even cast aspersions on my sister Brian's barmaid skills in her job in London, UK! Damn those fekkers!