Pitcairn Islands
Thursday, February 16, 2006
ESKIMO ED SEEKS RECONCILIATION
As we watch SS Golden Shower makes it's last journey, to the bottom of the Pacific, the old adage 'every cloud has a silver lining' comes to mind. At least we won't have to spend another 3 months couped up like animals!
I have to today received communication from that seal skinned chinook Eskimo Ed, apparently he wants to attempt reconciliation.
Well i'm here to tell you Mr. Ed., it will be a cold day in Plumbers Inlet before the Pitcairn Islanders forgive the wrong doings that you've done.
But as every day is a cold day in Plumbers Inlet, in fact every day is a cold day in the whole goddam islands, we are prepared to forgive, we will also forget, but for obvious reasons, that's going to take a bit longer.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
7:10 AM ::
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MISFORTUNE UPON MISFORTUNE
My newly acquired portfolio case is no longer newly acquired, it is now newly departed, along with it's contents, which if you remember were the two Eskimo Ed cartoons - similar to the much hated muslim cartoons, and the the really vile and offensive peanut cartoons from America, no-one rioted in the streets when they were published, and they published them throughout the world for years.
However, the reason that the newly acquired portfolio is now newly departed is as follows, i left it on board SS Golden Shower when I was rescued by the two seaman named Wong. The goods news that eminates from my loss is that it enable me to have a hand free to carry my laptop.
See God has not fallen out with me after all, he may be one angry mo.fo., but he's not one one to carry a grudge.
Must dash, we're all builidng a shelter.
St. Range
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
6:10 AM ::
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WE GOT THE MESSAGE - LOUD & CLEAR
My intial reaction was to panic, for it's not everyday you hit something in the mist while steaming through the southern Pacific on a vessel named Golden Shower.
On steadying my thoughts, I realised that to panic was certain death, I therefore took the only cause of action open to me - i feigned injury and was promptly helped ashore by the helping hands of two able seamen.
I am rescued!
We are now a collection of approximately 35 persons, half of us are Christians, the other half are Wong, I don't mean their incorrect, I mean they are called Wong.
We have formed ourselves into three groups the Wong's, the Christian's and an ensemble of the two and we are currently searching the island for any signs of life.
The island appears to be roughly the same size as PI but more flat, with less mountainous areas.
Must go, fires to light, etc, etc.
Yours
St. Range
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
2:08 AM ::
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I THINK GOD'S ANGRY WITH ME - IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY ROUND
Greetings Islanders from the vessel that is named Golden Shower, we are steaming through dense fog at the moment in the southern Pacific.
Look at this Guy, every time you see him he's got a face like a slapped arse. I mean what's he got to be mad at - he rules the earth and owns it as well. Anyway God - just for a change I'm angry at you big man. You'd don't reply to my letters, you don't have an email address, well this is your last chance. Unless you stop the fraudelant christians from calling themselves christians, when we are the only Christians entitle to use the name legally, without further warning we will take further legal steps.
Fekkin Hell, I'll have to go we appear to have hit something!
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
1:56 AM ::
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006
JACKIE PALLO HAS DIED
Islanders, it is with a genuine tear in my eye, I have the grave duty to announce to you, that the great, the one and only, Jackie Pallo has died. I wish his wife Trixie and son, the most deepest sympathies from one island nation to another.
His was a gift like no other.
I will leave the BBC to describe the event:
Pallo appeared on This Is Your Life in 1973
Wrestler Jackie Pallo, one of wrestling's biggest stars in the 1960s, has died at the age of 80. Pallo, who fought before the Big Daddy/Giant Haystacks era, died at his home in Ramsgate, Kent, on Saturday after battling with cancer.
The pony-tailed wrestler, whose nemesis in the ring was Irishman Mick McManus, was known by his fans as Mr TV.
Former commentator Reg Gutteridge - Pallo's cousin - described him as "a great performer and a lovely guy".
Pallo appeared on This Is Your Life in 1973, attracting many celebrities of the day.
Guest appearances in TV shows included Are You Being Served? and The Avengers, during which he was famously knocked out by actress Honor Blackman during a fight scene.
Describing his father's battle with cancer, son Jackie junior, who fought tag-team matches with Pallo, said he had been "a bombastic character right to the end".
Pallo is survived by wife Trixie who became known to the nation for watching her husband at ringside.
RIP Jackie you provided years of harmless entertainment to millions of us youngsters.
Unfortunately, as a Pitcairn Island I was 37 years old before I watched my first fight of his on an old VHS Ferguson video star recorder, the fight had been recorded in 1970, I watched it in a smoked filled council office at approx 3am, when the supply ship docked, with 26 other islanders, I can name them all - Christian!
Jackie was wresting a overweight, but utterly georgous Kendo Nagaski, a masked Englishman, pretending to be Japanese. They must have lost a litre of sweat each.
The film was shown every month for at least a year, to a packed and half cut council office.
In reverence to Jackie, Trixie and Jackie Junior, I will be recommending to the full council on my return, that May 17th (the day we watched the video) will henceforth become a public holiday on PI. If we chose February 15th, this would clash with every other nation who decided to honour Jackie's death.
Talbot Horizon Coupe
I. M St. Range
PS some clever fekker has informed me that the composite verb in latin es tu coupe, refers to smaller, as in a smaller island, and in fact the adverb compact should be used, as in compact islands. So henceforth the PI's motto will be Talbot Horizon Compact.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:20 PM ::
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VAUXHALL VIVA
Tragic news for all of you who love these islands like I do. As you all know our Island's Motto: Vauxhall Viva, which we have always believed to be latin for Young Blood Rise Up!,
Well it seems that we have been mislead for all these years, I was recently informed by a Mrs. Anita Bush of the Vauxhall's Owners Club of Great Britain, that the Vauxhall Viva was a mid range saloon of the 1970s and 80s in Britain.
I can only assume the neat embossed metallic wording we have surmounted under the flag in the Council Offices is a nameplate from said motor vehicle.
I asked Mrs. Bush if she could think of any other latin enscriptions we could use, and after lengthy debate, during which we discussed Hillman Hunter (to the Victor the Spoils) and Sunbeam Rapier (young flower deflowerer), we finally settled on, and I'm pleased to announce that our new Island Motto is:
Talbot Horizon Coupe- which literally translates as the Sun always Shines on small islands
Quite fitting I thought.
Talbot Horizon Coupe
Ian St. Range
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
7:36 AM ::
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ANOTHER PITCAIRN FIRST
As I sit here bathing in the luxury that is SS Golden Shower, I realise that in my haste to leave PI, i forgot to update you all on the lastest in Pitcairn 1st's.
The new Road Map of the Islands (see above) is at the printers, we decided to go for a full colour print run of 1,000, some might say that's a bit optimistic for an island of only 38, but I think we should look forward.
By my calculations, with an average number of visitors of 40 per year, assuming one in two buy a map, that's 20 per year sold. This print run should last 50 years.
Just a few points to mention, although this print run will only last 50 years, we will then have to have a new print run, which will be handy because by then we will have added another road.
Also it would be in everyone's interest to help sell the maps, if we allowed visitors to bring their cars onto the islands. To allow this we would have to build a new harbour terminal, current cost of around PI£4.5 million.
Because we will only sell 20 maps per year and the print run is costing PI£860, we will have to charge PI£42 to make a profit.
I have just emailed the printers to ask them to put the print run on hold until we have built the new harbour terminal.
Have just this minute found out we can get a full World Bank grant for the PI£4.5 million needed for harbour terminal, this will enable us to go ahead with print order for PI£860, after we have sold all the maps over a 50 year period we will have made PI£41,140, minus the interest over 50 years on PI£860 (which will be around PI£22,000) giving us a profit of PI£19,140, less commission paid to shop of PI£10,000, which means we are going to make a grand total of PI£9,140, divided by 50 years = PI£182 per year, divided by the 38 inhabitants = PI£4.81.
I think that's a result.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
6:17 AM ::
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DRIVING ON THE LEFT
Please note the Council has decreed that henceforth all motor vehicles, commercial lorries, motorbikes, sidecars, bicycles, etc. etc. must drive on the LEFT, this will bring us into line with Great Britain and Australasia.
All vehicles of any nature, excepting motorbikes, sidecars, bicycles, must be adapted for left handed driving.
It is NOT acceptable to simply sit on left passenger seat and just lean over and pretend to be on the right.
Please note grants are available for adaptions of this purpose. As we currently have the highest proportion of traffic lights per head of population, ie 1 set to 38 people. We are applying for a grant to cover the cost of moving the lights.
Finally, if the three of you that actually have a vehicle of any sort on the PI's will attend an advance motoring course in the Council Offices on monday next at 10am.
The course, will contain a multiple choice range of questions, then a practical covering starting, moving and stopping. No longer will ramming it into a hedgerow be acceptable.
Vauxhall Viva
Ian St. Range
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:57 AM ::
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PITCAIRN INTRODUCE DEATHLIST
Many of you have asked the Council the question, 'Why can't we have a lottery like everyone else?'.
Well, the answer is 'because we are not like everyone else!'
But, I am pleased to announce the start of the new Pitcairn Island Lottery to be named Pitcairn Deathlist.
On the right you will see my drawings of all the inhabitants of PI over the last ten years. To take part in the Deathlist all you need to do is choose a face, pay your PI£1 at the shop or council office. When all the faces have been chosen I will announce who the faces belong to and the person who chooses someone who's dead will win a share of the money.
Please note anyone attempting to cheat, or actually found trying to 'off' someone will be dealt with severly, and may be excluded from the lottery.
Please also note that I have put in one face of someone who isn't from the Island - we will call this one Eskimo Ed - anyone who chooses that one will weekend away with the woofters.
I currently residing on SS Golden Shower and coming to you through the power of a woofta connection. Haven't a clue what that is.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:36 AM ::
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THE SHIP'S EARLY
Great news, the S.S. Golden Shower has arrived a whole 3 months early, that's never happened before. I've got to dash, packing to do, some naughty lads to round up and take to prison in New Zealand, 8 in all, that means about 25% of Pitcairn Islanders are now classed as career criminals.
I've just got to nip to the shop and see if they have any of those large flat carrier cases used for artworks, I bet they only have a small selection to choose from, Sheila the owner will say the usual thing 'there's no demand for them, i only have 50 customers!'.
Anyway, must dash I've got to catch the Golden Shower!
Ian St. Range
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:27 AM ::
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GOD'S NOT TALKING
As you all will by now know, God's hasn't answered any of the last 3 letters that I sent him on your behalf. If any of know God's email address, please pass it on to me. I think we will now have to put this matter in the hands of our solicitor.
To our many readers, I will just outline the events so far. As most of the islanders have descended from Fletcher Christian, of Mutiny on the Bounty fame, most of us are called Christian. We are deeply dissapointed that some religious nutters in this world continue, despite numerous legal moves on our part, to call themselves christians, what fekkin right do they have.
Can you imagine the outrage from Ronald McDonald if we called ourselves McDonald! Exactly.
So in desperation we have been writing to God. Apparantly he can be a funny bugger sometimes, starving people and flooding places, and shit like that. But we thought we'd take a chance on it. But, oh no, he doesn't reply does he.
Who the fekkin hell does he think he is?
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
2:53 AM ::
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ONLY 46 INHABITANTS LEFT
It is with great sadness that I have to annouce the leaving from PI of 4 more Christians, I learnt this news from someones blog, who shall remain nameless. I can only assume that it is the Christian family from Plumbers Inlet, Lancashire who have left, I have pictured there cottage here as a reminder.
On hearing that news that our numbers had fallen, I walked round the lanes of PI, all 6.6km, it seems some bloggers are ill informed, anyway back to my story, I walked round visiting all of our number and now accounted for everyone except the Plumbers Inlet Christians.
Some of you may be interested to know who still lives on PI.
There are:
34 Christians
6 Hyphen-Christians
4 Smiths
and a couple of Woofters
Vauxhall Viva
I. St. Range
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
2:31 AM ::
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Tuesday, February 14, 2006
We are not the same as Eskimo's
Hi Dear Readers,
once again we have been offended by the Bloggers of this world, how I wish those pissed stained, fart wreaking bloggers would just go to Iceland!
I have today passed a motion at the Council for Cultural Affairs, in which it will soon be made illegal to mention our beloved Pitcairn Islands in the same paragraph as those seal skinned cold people - the Eskimo's.
Long Live the Pitcairns
Vive La France
Vauxhaull Viva
Yours slightly pissed
Ian St. Range, Vice Council for Lancashire
PS one of these damned blogs even cast aspersions on my sister Brian's barmaid skills in her job in London, UK! Damn those fekkers!
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
5:38 AM ::
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As we watch SS Golden Shower makes it's last journey, to the bottom of the Pacific, the old adage 'every cloud has a silver lining' comes to mind. At least we won't have to spend another 3 months couped up like animals!
My newly acquired portfolio case is no longer newly acquired, it is now newly departed, along with it's contents, which if you remember were the two Eskimo Ed cartoons - similar to the much hated muslim cartoons, and the the really vile and offensive peanut cartoons from America, no-one rioted in the streets when they were published, and they published them throughout the world for years.
My intial reaction was to panic, for it's not everyday you hit something in the mist while steaming through the southern Pacific on a vessel named Golden Shower.
Greetings Islanders from the vessel that is named Golden Shower, we are steaming through dense fog at the moment in the southern Pacific.
Many of you have asked the Council the question, 'Why can't we have a lottery like everyone else?'.
Great news, the S.S. Golden Shower has arrived a whole 3 months early, that's never happened before. I've got to dash, packing to do, some naughty lads to round up and take to prison in New Zealand, 8 in all, that means about 25% of Pitcairn Islanders are now classed as career criminals.
