Pitcairn Islands
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Z----U----L----U
Congratulations to all the Islanders, what a resounding success Monday night's performance of Zulu was. Mrs. Christian's contribution of full dragoon uniform for the three of us British Officers was most encouraging. The five 'volunteers' for the role of the drunken missionary was a little overwhelming and it's a shame that they out numbered the Zulu's, but hey let's not get concerned with minor details.
If anyone has seen or heard of the two Wong lads who've since gone 'native', please let me know, we can't have them leaping round the island with their bits flopping everywhere, chanting 'Zulu'. Can we?
As to next week's production - Well I'm the bossman and I am pressing ahead with a selection from the Sopranos, I'm going to be Tony, and I've a couple of Blog Buddies who are going to play Big Pussy (Blakan Baby) and the Priest (Owen). Mrs. Christian is insisting on playing Carmella. We're goining to the the scene were Tony Soprano has to get to grips with Big Pussy! I can't wait.
If anyone has any automatic handguns, ideally .45's, please let me know. We could also do with someone who's able to do a passing Russian accent for the bad guy, and a couple of Pole Dancers, although I just may have someone lined up.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
1:40 AM ::
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Tuesday, March 14, 2006
MRS. CHRISTIAN - THE OLDEST PITCAIRN ISLANDER
As you can see the old bugger's still going strong. 93 Year Old Mrs. Christian, great - grand daughter of Fletcher, daughter of Monica and Steve Christian, who has never left the Pitcairns. It has been said that she can find herself around the Pitcairns blindfolded and in the dark.
Imagine meeting her in the dark. You'd have a stroke wouldn't you!
You'll notice on Mrs. Christian's lapels the two badges she proudly wears to all official functions. On the left is the red Pitcairn Guide Leader badge, although we only have six people on the island who are eligible for the Guides, and none of them have the slightest interest in joining her pack. She still insists on running up the flag every Tuesday evening and holding a pack meeting at the Council Offices. It was only two years ago she gave up holding the annual camp at Plumbers Inlet. It didn't help when them two nancy's over there tried to join up.
The badge on her right lapel is the Pitcairn Death List Leader badge, this is given to the person most likely to top the Death List Lottery, as mentioned on previous blogs. At 93 - how long can she hang out. The plastic top in the photo is part of the oxygen tent that surrounds Mrs. Christian where-ever she goes.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
7:19 AM ::
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Monday, March 13, 2006
BACK HOME - CELEBRATIONS
It has been the most wonderful of days, as you can see the whole Island turned out to celebrate my homecoming. Here are some of them pictured in the Church of Christians, some of the more observant of you will notice the recent installation of electric tube lights. What joy it will be when we finally get electric on the island and we can switch them on.
As part of my homecoming and new Lordship celebrations I am to offer an amnesty to all those who have committed crime in the Islands recent history. Amongst those that I am to offer this to include God, Eskimo Ed and those two guys who bat for the other side at Plumbers Inlet. I'm am also of a mind to reward the crew members of SS Neatabush who so valiantly rescued me and my compadres, with the Order of the Pitcairns, this will enable to have tax exemptions within the Islands and also to be able to drive their sheep down the High Street. Reward enough I would have thought.
Talbot Compact Horizon
Lord St. Range
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
2:10 AM ::
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Friday, March 10, 2006
REJOICE THROUGHOUT THE LAND - WE ARE SAVED!
Let the bells ring out for we are saved. With great forethought the ship SS Neatabush that delivers the Pitcairn Post heard of the sad loss of the SS Golden Shower, and decided to make a detour on it's way to the Pitcairns via some of the outlying islands.
Our party of scouts spotted the Neatabush on the horizon and luckily for us all were able to ignite the first of our McBurek takeaways as a beacon.
The smoke from the greasy bureks not only attracted the attentions of the Neatabush, but apparantly can be seen alongside the Great Wall of China from the International Spacestation.
In less than 2 days I will be back with my people - The Christians.
On opening my mail, sipping a Campari and Lemonade on the quarter deck, I have discovered exciting news. I am to be the new Lord St. Range of Pitcairn. This will enable me to be a great ambassador for the Pitcairns and The Christians.
I have also heard from my solicitor that there is another group of fakers pretending to be The Christians, apparently a group of shaven headed heathens from a village called Merseyside in England, have been singing and dancing, can you believe it, ON TELEVISION!
Okay it was in the 1980s and early 90s, but Jesus Christ, who do they think they are?
I've also got God's email address, I'm going to give him one more chance.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
2:49 AM ::
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Tuesday, March 07, 2006
THE BIRTH OF A NATION - JEBIGA
Any of my loyal subjects and readers will be shocked by the use of profanity in my blog title. I apologise but after International Red Cross intervention the council of Christians and Wongs have reached a decision that I'm sure will cause consternation throughout the free world. The Islands henceforth will be known as St. Range Land! I am overwhelmed, oversexed and ..... yada, yada.
St. Range Land has to be the highest accolade a man can have, for a country, neigh, an entire island system to be named after oneself.
In line with the islands new policy on ethnic integration, and because the Wongs pronounce words slightly different to us normal people. The islands will be called St. Range Islands, but pronounced Saint Ranji Islands - cool or what.
Talbot Horizon Compact
St. Range, High Commissioner
from St. Range Islands
PS The Pitcairns will be so pissed when they find out - I mean what was the Pitcairns ever named after?
A knighthood will be offered to anyone who answers that question correctly.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:55 PM ::
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INTERNATIONAL RED CROSS BUGGER IT ALL UP
I'm not sure I can take much more, there is only so much a mere mortal can take. I have just received communication via the internet via my woofta connection that the International Red Cross have objected to the inhabitants of this here island naming our land the Slash Out Islands!
I mainly angry not with the Red Cross but with myself. When I wrote the blog last night about naming the Island the Slash Out Island, I was convinced in my semi-pissed state that the initials were SOS. Hence today's blog was to be about the IRC objecting to the name on the grounds that the initials clashed with the internationally recognised distress signal.
Now I'm more sober I realise the initials are indeed SOI. Jebiga!
I am the owner of both Slash Out and this blog so I will continue as if the initials were SOS!
Hence we both need a new name for the island and I have not gratuitously used a stock photograph.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:44 PM ::
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Monday, March 06, 2006
The Island's New Name - Slash Out
At an historic meeting of the Island's council it was by a 25 - 11 victory that the island's have been named - Slash Out. This is so bloody annoying on so many bloody levels!
Firstly after 5 recounts it was established we have 36 inhabitants and not 35! We ended up counting the legs of all the members present, adding this to the number of eyes and dividing by six, this gave us a figure of 35.6! So we rounded this up to 36, apparently two dogs and and two goldfish buggered this method up good and proper, but we had to make a decision.
Secondly, the secretary of the meeting is a dyslexic who thinks god is a dog, he's also agnostic so he doesn't believe there's a dog!
Thirdly, the Anonymous person who thinks that I gratuitously write blogs to fit in with my existing photographs has got to be having a laugh!
Oh Well.
All the best from Slash Out Islands.
St. Range
PS My youngest son has now appeared on the local version of Crime Watch and is sueing me for defamation of character!
Who gives a shi% - I'm a millionaire!
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:53 PM ::
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Pikey Spotted at McBurek's
Jebiga! Just take at look at this little bugger. His image was caught on the CCTV at McBurek's downtown.
At the same time two pebble's were taken from the pile of pebbles.
It's highly likely he is the local crimelord of these here un-named islands.
He looks a wong 'un make no mistake.
Keep a look out!
St. Range
PS It's just been pointed out to me that McBurek's downtown is grammatically incorrect as we have no town, only this island, so it really should have read McBurek's down-island.
PPS It's also just been pointed out that the picture is in fact my youngest son, and wasn't taken from the CCTV camera's at all. Next time I'll put my spec's on.
PPPPS Some smart Alec has just pointed out that all my blogs make gratiotous (spelling!) use of photographs that I have already and that I just make a blog around them. What a pile of steaming bollo^&s that is!
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:44 PM ::
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McBurek Franchise Takes Off
After only a few days of trading we have managed to open our 2nd McBurek's on the Island. The Council can't seem to understand that with only 35 inhabitants we have successfully halved the clientele per branch and the workforce!
I can only foresee bankruptcy ahead.
However, that said if we can increase the inhabitants of the island - then I see no reason why we can't make a go of the whole McBurek cocncept. One of my junior members of staff, a likeable lad by the name of Wong has suggested we now do deep fried battered Bureks. Pure Genius, he's been promoted to Team Leader and we've sold two already.
Well when I say sold, perhaps thats an extortion of the truth. The problem is we have a fledgling economy here and the only coinage we have are pebbles from the beach. This has certainly cut our banking costs to a minimum, but it also means that we have 35 millionaires on the island, 35 multi-millionaires to be exact.
It gets worse. Because the nuveau rich are, shall we say greedy, the have filled their pockets with their wealth, so now we have 35 overstuffed persons with pant pockets the size of bin bags, they can no longer walk to McBureks, we have no staff available to serve the non customers.
I think maybe the boom economy has just gone bang!
Talbot Compact Horizon
PS I am applying to the World Bank for a grant to pay for a new Harbour, if the Pitcairns can have one so can we.
PPS Just heard from the World Bank, apparently we can't apply for grants, because we are as yet an un-named island and they haven't heard of us! Can you belive that pile of bollo%^%$s!
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:24 PM ::
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McBurek's - The New Burger King
Hi everyone,
or as my new mates would say Jebiga!
We have finally circum-navigated the entire island that we are shipwrecked on and determined that we are the only inhabitants.
Jebiga!
'We are now a collection of approximately 35 persons, half of us are Christians, the other half are Wong, I don't mean their incorrect, I mean they are called Wong', as I previously mentioned are new island is entirely populated by 35 persons!
We have held a council of minds and it has been established that our first thoughts should go toward making a thriving economy on the island, that way we will make sufficient money to finance other activities, such as housing and food.
It has further been determined that a fast food outlet is probably one of the quickest methods of making and fast buck, and so welcome one and all to - McBurek's - The New Burger King.
As you can see by the picture the first branch hasn't got drive in facilities - not yet.
The way the council see it once we have established a profit, cars can be purchased, roads built, petrol stations built, and then a drive in.
We reckon that we'll all be millionaires by this time next year. Luvley Jubley!
Having established the building, the name and the location - we are now left with tricky task of selecting a menu. Given that our new establishment is called McBurek's - we have decided to serve that Balkan delight, much like the Scottish delight Haggis, of Burek.
Our next big decision, after pricing the menu, is the naming of our new island. Suggested names so far are New England, New York, New Found Land (?), Jebiga, Stamford Bridge and my own personal favourite - Knotts Landing! I'll let you know.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
11:45 AM ::
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Congratulations to all the Islanders, what a resounding success Monday night's performance of Zulu was. Mrs. Christian's contribution of full dragoon uniform for the three of us British Officers was most encouraging. The five 'volunteers' for the role of the drunken missionary was a little overwhelming and it's a shame that they out numbered the Zulu's, but hey let's not get concerned with minor details.
As you can see the old bugger's still going strong. 93 Year Old Mrs. Christian, great - grand daughter of Fletcher, daughter of Monica and Steve Christian, who has never left the Pitcairns. It has been said that she can find herself around the Pitcairns blindfolded and in the dark.
It has been the most wonderful of days, as you can see the whole Island turned out to celebrate my homecoming. Here are some of them pictured in the Church of Christians, some of the more observant of you will notice the recent installation of electric tube lights. What joy it will be when we finally get electric on the island and we can switch them on.
At an historic meeting of the Island's council it was by a 25 - 11 victory that the island's have been named - Slash Out. This is so bloody annoying on so many bloody levels!
After only a few days of trading we have managed to open our 2nd McBurek's on the Island. The Council can't seem to understand that with only 35 inhabitants we have successfully halved the clientele per branch and the workforce!
Hi everyone,