Pitcairn Islands
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Mondrian meets Mundane
As previously mentioned we have decided that the Pitcairns needs to be made more cultural and uplifting for our citizens.
As Leader of this Island community I have brought it upon myself to create a 3 point plan to meet this ideal.
This 3 point plan will be called, ironically, The 3 Point Plan!
1) We will enter the Eurovision Song Contest of 2007, as this will be our bi-Centenary Year, I'm hoping for big efforts by all to achieve our aim and be the only country in the Eurovision who doesn't give 12 Points to either it's neighbouring country or Ireland. As we don't have any neighbouring countries and we are not Ireland, although we are AN island, we don't expect too many votes.
2) We will follow Slovenia into the European Union, we will shortly be adopting the Euro, in line with all new EU countries the word Euro is actually a very embarrasing Pitcairn Island word for the act of Bu%$ery, and no that word is not budgeting! So we won't call it the Euro - we will call it the Uro - which has no embarrasing word associations, except in Brussels where a Uro means much the same as our 'ASBO's'.
3) To stand any chance of achieving Points 1 and 2, we need to dis-associate our British connections, henceforth we will have our own, without a Union Flag on, Flag. This is illustrated in the photo above. As we have the highest crime rate in the world, unlikely ever to be topped, unless Rockall decides to become the next Alcatraz, it's stands to reason that our best artist/designers would be inmates. So we have created the perfect flag to illustrate to the Outside World what we are all about - Sun, Sea, Sky and the Highest Penetentary Population in the World!
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:41 PM ::
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Thursday, May 18, 2006
CRISIS, WHAT CRISIS?
I would like to thank all of you whom have written, emailed and telexed me with concern about our water crisis. One worried pensioner from Hoylake in Merseyside, England, even sent me a packet of boiled sweets. Fruitcake or what! Anyway the crisis is now over as it's been peeing down for just over a week now. As you can see from the photograph the water levels are back up to normal.
The green buildings in the background, before you all start asking me, the new changing rooms for the local Pitcairn Sunday Football League. I know what your about to say, you only have 34 inhabitants, how can you run a league?
Well, two years ago we applied for a lottery grant to build a small children's play area, as the field we had in mind was over 120 square metres in size, and so was offically large enough to be called a Sports field, we had to have toilets and changing rooms built, this didn't bother us because it was all to be grant aided. However, the toilets and changing rooms have taken up 80 square metres of our space, so our play area is now only 40 square metres.
The lottery people have just written to me asking for their money back, because our Sports field no longer meets their criteria.
I'm just writing back now telling them to %^$$£ off!
BTW Yes the geese are going to be eaten, no there'll be no stuffing and before you ask Iqbal, they are not halal!
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
2:22 AM ::
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Tuesday, May 09, 2006
St. Range's Wall
With a population of 34, great changes, great works are hard to come by, but when you've lived on an island 7,000 miles from the nearest McDonalds, you come to a decision to make the most of what you've got.
I decided after my visit to Easter Island that I would make things happen on Pitcairn that would make us famous throughout the world.
We now have 60ft Sculptures of Her Majesty, Phil and some prick with a big nose!
Well now we have a six foot high wall around the main hill on the Island's - yes, St. Range's Wall, similar to Hadrian's and, slightly smaller than the one in China, which isn't really a wall per say!
St. Range's Wall is very close to completion, as you can see in the photo, there is but a small amount to finish.
I'm about to start on a collection for 12ft high pottery soldiers - I think a couple of thou should do it, tourism will never be the same on PI.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:34 PM ::
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Goats, Planes and Automobiles
I'm really quite annoyed today, my valet Chervaise has just informed me that he has homosexual tendencies and cannot continue to carry out his duties to the standard that is expected. I was astonished that anyone named Chervaise could even spell the word homosexual, never mind bugger his life up by being gay!
You must understand, I'm not homophobic, by any stretch of the imagination, but, I draw the line at Dyslecia, I mean dyzelia, sod it I mean dysleicia, f%^&ing hell, the inability of one's mind to distinguish words.
The problem we peple who can;t spell properly is that their chodiness cums out in other phorms, they fail to ty there shu laces properly, they blo there noses on there sleefs. I thinc u get the picter!
Anyway, back to Chervaise, he's buggered off to Plumbers Inlet - to get his act together, this leaves me with an awful problem. As my valet, he was also the Goat Commander, rather like Her Majesty's - Keeper of the Swans, Chervaise had full control of the only three mammals on Pitcairn - as pictured. The three Angolan, I ordered Andorra, but some clever tw%t couldn't spell, goats are, as you can see - living the high life, that is, hopping from one rock to another, a bit like Whitney Houston, but I digress.
The Angolan goats pictured are named after famous Angolan Events, so here we have Mercenary, Courts and Gaol, of course, if they had been born later they would have been called Mercenary, Released and What the fuc^ happened to the English Mercenaries in Angola!
Oh well, back to my crochet.
PS as an adolecence in Pitcairn my ambition was to be a Mercenary, instead I became a Diplomat - You see, you can bring a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians ::
3:14 PM ::
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As previously mentioned we have decided that the Pitcairns needs to be made more cultural and uplifting for our citizens.
I would like to thank all of you whom have written, emailed and telexed me with concern about our water crisis. One worried pensioner from Hoylake in Merseyside, England, even sent me a packet of boiled sweets. Fruitcake or what! Anyway the crisis is now over as it's been peeing down for just over a week now. As you can see from the photograph the water levels are back up to normal.
With a population of 34, great changes, great works are hard to come by, but when you've lived on an island 7,000 miles from the nearest McDonalds, you come to a decision to make the most of what you've got.
I'm really quite annoyed today, my valet Chervaise has just informed me that he has homosexual tendencies and cannot continue to carry out his duties to the standard that is expected. I was astonished that anyone named Chervaise could even spell the word homosexual, never mind bugger his life up by being gay!