Pitcairn Islands

Thursday, October 26, 2006 I'm the Leader, I'm the Leader ............

In the words of the immortal song, 'I'm the Leader of the Gang, I am!'.

And I'm back!

Back from where?, I hear some of you new readers say. Well boys and girls, as some of you remember, about 3 months ago we, the Proud Fekkin Pitcairners, declared a state of war with the United States, I said at the time that we would make mistakes, and declaring war was just about the biggest.

The night after the declaration was announced I had retired to bed, with a good book and a goblet of Pay D'Oc, as is my custom, when I heard strange noises from outside my verandah, well not so much strange noises, as noises! When you live on an island with a population of less than a schoolroom, any noise is to be listened too. Anyway, whether it was the goblet of vino, or the book, very shortly I was asleep.

At some point that night, I will never know when, I was extracted by US Special Forces and have spent the last 3 months in an orange jump suite having the shit kicked out of me in some secluded prison camp.

Now I know you'll find it hard to believe, but trying to convince my interrogators that my declaration of war was not Al Queda led, was not an easy task, my Oxford accent, perfectly sculptured moustache and complete command of social etiquette, simply wasn't enough to convince them that I wasn't Bini Laden's right hand man in the Pitcairns.

Only after 88 days of solitary confinement, 44 of which where spent on my own, endless hours of relentless interrogation, questions upon questions, did they manage to satisfy themselves that I was indeed Lord St. Range of the Pitcairn Islands, Her Majesty's Special Envoy to the South Seas.

So it was a great relief to me to be set free - to once more wreak havoc upon the international political scene. The photograph above shows my triumphal arrival in Plumber's Inlet.

Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians :: 6:17 AM :: 17 comments

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006 PITCAIRN IS IN CRISIS

As Leader of this small island nation it has been my very sad duty today to declare a state of war against the mighty USA. This was not an easy decision to make, but sometimes for the greater good of all, tough decisions have to be made. I'm not sure when they'll find out about this as we are now officially not communicating with them.

Pitcairn has never been at war before and so it may be we'll make a few mistakes along the way. I think maybe choosing the USA was our first mistake.

The reason we have been forced into this situation is that the USA have slapped a trade embargo on the import of meat. This will obviously have massive repercussions on our booming tortoise trade and will probably cause us to lose the entire herd. Well we've actually lost the entire herd already if the truth was told. It wasn't my idea to realise them to roam wild, but once we did that, there wasn't much we could do to stop them stampeding off the cliffs like wild lemmings - was there?

Anyway, regardless, the USA weren't to know that were they.

If they want to play hardball - that's what we'll play.

I'm quite looking forward to the B52's bombing us out of existance, then the USA will start rebuilding the country for us, station a small armed force on the island, etc., etc. This will prove to be a massive boost to the economy of the island and should make us all millionaires.

I can just see the aerial photographs on Sky News - showing the laser bombing targets before they drop the bombs, and after they've bombed all 17 houses on the island, they'll find me holed up in some mud hole with a beard. Then put me on trial as the rebel leader. Oh, the romance of it all.

You couldn't make it up - could you?

Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians :: 2:16 AM :: 7 comments

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006 THE NEW TORTOISE FARM

By unanimous consent it was decided at last month's Full Council Meeting to start a Tortoise Farm on the Island. Ostriches has been the favourite but someone suggested they may try to escape. We are 4,000 miles from the nearest inhabited land, where they were going to escape to?

Anyway, the eventual solution has been the adoption of the Tortoise Farm plan. It is our intention to farm both for the shells, to be made into trinkets, carvings, jewellery etc., and for their meat.

This picture of the first of our farm, the idea is to breed from this one and so double the numbers ever time he breeds. A great idea, if only someone would have thought that a female might help the process along some.

Apparantly tortoi (which is the plural for tortoises) breed rampantly ever 40-50 years, before reaching their peak at around the 200 year old mark, then dying.

The other drawback is that tortoi are impossible to sex, so even if we do introduce another tortoise, it will be sixty years before we know the outcome.

We're going to have another vote this evening in the Council House - whether or not to have Baked Tortoi and Chips on Friday.

I hope I get a leg!

Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians :: 3:22 AM :: 3 comments

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Monday, June 05, 2006 TEST BLOG

This is just a test to see if the Pitcairn's Blog can be re-instated.

Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians :: 5:01 AM :: 1 comments

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Tuesday, May 30, 2006 Mondrian meets Mundane

As previously mentioned we have decided that the Pitcairns needs to be made more cultural and uplifting for our citizens.

As Leader of this Island community I have brought it upon myself to create a 3 point plan to meet this ideal.

This 3 point plan will be called, ironically, The 3 Point Plan!

1) We will enter the Eurovision Song Contest of 2007, as this will be our bi-Centenary Year, I'm hoping for big efforts by all to achieve our aim and be the only country in the Eurovision who doesn't give 12 Points to either it's neighbouring country or Ireland. As we don't have any neighbouring countries and we are not Ireland, although we are AN island, we don't expect too many votes.

2) We will follow Slovenia into the European Union, we will shortly be adopting the Euro, in line with all new EU countries the word Euro is actually a very embarrasing Pitcairn Island word for the act of Bu%$ery, and no that word is not budgeting! So we won't call it the Euro - we will call it the Uro - which has no embarrasing word associations, except in Brussels where a Uro means much the same as our 'ASBO's'.

3) To stand any chance of achieving Points 1 and 2, we need to dis-associate our British connections, henceforth we will have our own, without a Union Flag on, Flag. This is illustrated in the photo above. As we have the highest crime rate in the world, unlikely ever to be topped, unless Rockall decides to become the next Alcatraz, it's stands to reason that our best artist/designers would be inmates. So we have created the perfect flag to illustrate to the Outside World what we are all about - Sun, Sea, Sky and the Highest Penetentary Population in the World!

Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians :: 3:41 PM :: 1 comments

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Thursday, May 18, 2006 CRISIS, WHAT CRISIS?

I would like to thank all of you whom have written, emailed and telexed me with concern about our water crisis. One worried pensioner from Hoylake in Merseyside, England, even sent me a packet of boiled sweets. Fruitcake or what! Anyway the crisis is now over as it's been peeing down for just over a week now. As you can see from the photograph the water levels are back up to normal.

The green buildings in the background, before you all start asking me, the new changing rooms for the local Pitcairn Sunday Football League. I know what your about to say, you only have 34 inhabitants, how can you run a league?

Well, two years ago we applied for a lottery grant to build a small children's play area, as the field we had in mind was over 120 square metres in size, and so was offically large enough to be called a Sports field, we had to have toilets and changing rooms built, this didn't bother us because it was all to be grant aided. However, the toilets and changing rooms have taken up 80 square metres of our space, so our play area is now only 40 square metres.

The lottery people have just written to me asking for their money back, because our Sports field no longer meets their criteria.

I'm just writing back now telling them to %^$$£ off!

BTW Yes the geese are going to be eaten, no there'll be no stuffing and before you ask Iqbal, they are not halal!

Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians :: 2:22 AM :: 1 comments

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006 St. Range's Wall

With a population of 34, great changes, great works are hard to come by, but when you've lived on an island 7,000 miles from the nearest McDonalds, you come to a decision to make the most of what you've got.

I decided after my visit to Easter Island that I would make things happen on Pitcairn that would make us famous throughout the world.

We now have 60ft Sculptures of Her Majesty, Phil and some prick with a big nose!

Well now we have a six foot high wall around the main hill on the Island's - yes, St. Range's Wall, similar to Hadrian's and, slightly smaller than the one in China, which isn't really a wall per say!

St. Range's Wall is very close to completion, as you can see in the photo, there is but a small amount to finish.

I'm about to start on a collection for 12ft high pottery soldiers - I think a couple of thou should do it, tourism will never be the same on PI.

Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians :: 3:34 PM :: 2 comments

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Goats, Planes and Automobiles

I'm really quite annoyed today, my valet Chervaise has just informed me that he has homosexual tendencies and cannot continue to carry out his duties to the standard that is expected. I was astonished that anyone named Chervaise could even spell the word homosexual, never mind bugger his life up by being gay!

You must understand, I'm not homophobic, by any stretch of the imagination, but, I draw the line at Dyslecia, I mean dyzelia, sod it I mean dysleicia, f%^&ing hell, the inability of one's mind to distinguish words.

The problem we peple who can;t spell properly is that their chodiness cums out in other phorms, they fail to ty there shu laces properly, they blo there noses on there sleefs. I thinc u get the picter!

Anyway, back to Chervaise, he's buggered off to Plumbers Inlet - to get his act together, this leaves me with an awful problem. As my valet, he was also the Goat Commander, rather like Her Majesty's - Keeper of the Swans, Chervaise had full control of the only three mammals on Pitcairn - as pictured. The three Angolan, I ordered Andorra, but some clever tw%t couldn't spell, goats are, as you can see - living the high life, that is, hopping from one rock to another, a bit like Whitney Houston, but I digress.

The Angolan goats pictured are named after famous Angolan Events, so here we have Mercenary, Courts and Gaol, of course, if they had been born later they would have been called Mercenary, Released and What the fuc^ happened to the English Mercenaries in Angola!

Oh well, back to my crochet.

PS as an adolecence in Pitcairn my ambition was to be a Mercenary, instead I became a Diplomat - You see, you can bring a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Posted by Pitcairn Islanders - The Real Christians :: 3:14 PM :: 2 comments

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